Blocked

I am done.

CF. The whole starting point of this blog, has blocked me. No contact. It hurts.

 

This isn’t my first experience of being blocked or even blocking someone. I think the majority of us do it to remove unwelcome attention in the dating game, people who are inappropriate or creepy. We rarely block people who are important to us, or who used to be important. That is why this one has hit me hard.

How did I end up blocked by the her? It started, as all good things do, on Valentines day.

I sent her a bunch of flowers.

We hadn’t spoken since we broke up the second time at the beginning of Jan (I say broke up, agreed to not see each other again) but I thought it would be a nice gesture to send some flowers (anonymously) to her workplace, just to brighten up her day. No hope or agenda meant with them.

A few hours after they have been delivered I get a text from her best friend asking if I had sent her flowers because she thought it might be some creep. I text CF to admit the flowers were from me and to apologise for spooking her. She was fine with that.

She then said a few things about the last time we spoke and said that being single was going well. She also said I “psychoanalysed her to the point where she has just accepted being Bridget Jones from now on”. I refute this. Our last conversation was full of home truths for her, but in no way did I analyse her to the point of getting her to think all future relationships would be a failure. I responded by using her own words against her from our previous conversation, she called herself horrible to men, she said she was a dick who messed people around, not me. In our last conversation I merely pointed out that she may not have “progressed” emotionally as much as she would like to admit and that she wasn’t ready to fall in love with someone, so it wasn’t fair to allow other people to fall in love with her. I never said she was an awful person though because I’m a big believer in intent, intent is everything and CF never intended to hurt anyone.

Anyway, she says I refuse to take responsibility for the “psychoanalysis” and that these conversations are not constructive for her but she is working on being honest with people. I end the conversation but saying what I did about intent, and that I still love her and think she is wonderful. And that if she ever needed to talk anything through she knew where I was.

The next day I get a text from her best friend again, saying that the “me and CF” thing is done and we should leave each other alone (an interesting phrase denoting that I should stop contacting her, because she hasn’t initiated any contact since we broke up). She says its for the best, we aren’t good for each other, and we can move on.

I delete our text history, then go onto whatsapp to delete that to find I have been blocked. That is a kick straight to the balls. I’m gutted.

I’m gutted because this person means so much to me. This is someone who has made me want to be a better person in every single aspect of my life. Someone who makes everything seem insignificant. But also someone who has spent the last 2 months thinking I hate her, and then when I finally say how I feel again I upset her to such a point that she can’t bear to be in contact with me. It hurts so much.

I genuinely don’t think we will ever speak again. I’m already rolling it around in my head. Our best friends’ wedding, that will be it. In 1-3 years. Fucking brilliant. This is the killing blow. She will be on her own for a bit, then find someone wonderful. I will continue to ghost through the dating game meeting wonderful people but never being able to give myself to them fully. Then we will see each other again, and it will destroy me.

Before I deleted our text history I gave them a quick glance over. I know I shouldn’t have. We fell so hard. So hard. The messages I have just deleted I could have treasured forever, they came from a place of such excitement and love, and I just don’t understand how it has ended up here, with me heartbroken, and her never wanting anything to do with me.

I of course blame myself for being emotional and trying to engage someone constantly and not backing down. It is hard though to take previous lessons about not giving up on something you care about, and then learning when to back down even while showing that you care. I need to find a balance clearly.

Regardless, I hope you keep well CF. I hope you find and achieve everything you are looking for in life. It pains me to say that none of that will be with me. Not that you will ever read this of course.

So that is the story of how I got blocked by probably the most significant person of my adult life (to date). It isn’t a good story. There isn’t a lesson here. It just sucks. It fucking sucks. I hope whoever reads this that you don’t have to block anyone significant in your life, or that you don’t end up blocked. It isn’t pleasant. It hurts so much.

This isn’t part of my recovery. If anything I have made it worse. But it is a lesson to take forward. I will not forget this lesson.

9378

Advertisements

R/UnsentLetters

Another blog post goes by with no readership. Why do I do it. I guess at this point it is just an outlet. But then I might as well write in a journal. Maybe this is for more detached musings. The ‘scratchpad’ as I referred to it. The super personal internal monologue is still going in the journal. Anyway on to the point.

r/UnsentLetters

One of the best and worst subreddits for me and my state of mind.

I don’t know if I have ever made my position clear on people I see in relationships. What I see is a lot of people settling because it is comfortable. I don’t see many real connections. But who am I to judge, I don’t matter, I’m not in the relationship. My point is though that I wonder what people feel when I see a couple. What do you feel towards the other person. When you are away from them what happens? Are you rubbing your hands together with glee or are you half a person, because the other half of you has gone away. This is something I don’t know, because it would be a fucking real conversation to ask someone what they feel towards someone. Can you imagine if the answer was nothing? Or not very much. I wouldn’t want to force that realisation on someone.

I only put this forward because I know how I have felt in relationships. And I know how I feel now. And I’m not sure many people get it.

This is where r/UnsentLetters comes in.

The people who write these letters get it. They have felt it. They have felt the heart ache, the physically sensation of loss, the bleak outlooks, the hope, the wonder of being with that one person who makes you feel literally invincible. Who you would walk to the ends of the earth for. They have felt their chest wanting to explode, the skip in their step when that special person holds their hand. They have felt everything.

Not everything on this subreddit is about love, or loss of it, and some are about very serious things and some are just lovely and sweet. But the ones I focus on, the ones I keep going back for, are the ones that have felt what I have, and had it taken away from them.

I have felt it. I have felt things that I didn’t even know where possible. I have fallen so hard that is physically hurts me regularly. I don’t know how this happened. I always thought I knew what I wanted, but really I just want her, the rest doesn’t matter. These unsent letters bring me some comfort. That I am not alone. That what I have felt and am feeling is not unusual. Or at least not impossible. There are people out there with bigger hang ups about people with unrequited love way stronger than mine, I’m just joining a new crowd, the broken hearts club, sort of!

These unsent letters are what I struggle to convey to my friends. When they tell me to move on, when they tell me there are other fish in the sea. I don’t want other fish. I want the her. I have never been more certain of anything in my life. I know if I was given a proper crack we could be happy together. But that won’t happen. A lot of things would need to happen before that.

I guess I’m just waiting. Waiting for the next opportunity to see her. We bumped into each other over NYE and it was like nothing had changed, we click. It’s as simple as that. The next time I will see her will most likely be my best friends wedding. Whenever that will be, he hasn’t even proposed yet. So I don’t know when I will see you next. I hope you have worked on yourself. I hope we get another chance. I am so ready.

That’s me done for today. pining after someone I can’t have, who most likely doesn’t think of me at all (or is very good at hiding it). Waiting for someone else to come along and make me feel something again. Reading letters from people just as unfortunate as I am, and just as devoid of hope.

I would love to write an unsent letter to you. I really would. Well I’d actually like to write a sent letter to you, but I don’t think that would do me any good either. What I can do is thank the people who write unsent letters. Because it is a comfort to know I’m not alone with my feelings. That I’m not the odd one out, even if no one else around me understands.

Thank you r/UnsentLetters.

r/UnsentLetters is part of my recovery, it makes me feel as though I’m not the only one.

9378

Luv Sic

Seeing as my last two blog posts have been and without any readership, I guess this one is for me. I knew that anyway though.

This one is for me. Just to get it out. Apologies for the length.

Love is a tricky subject. Anyone who has thought about it at any length will tell you that. Haddaway had the right idea when he repeatedly asked “what is love?”, honestly Haddaway I have no idea, but I’ll do my best to answer your question.

These are just a few ideas of love, from 5 minutes sat here at my computer:

Love is getting butterflies at seeing someone, or smelling their perfume in the air, or receiving a text from them in the morning.                                                                              Love is trusting someone wholeheartedly.                                                                                Love is thinking about someone and knowing that they are thinking about you too.            Love is knowing someone has your back for any decision you make and any journey you go on.                                                                                                                                                        Love is letting go of the past and focusing on the present.                                                            Love is effortless, and incredible, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be worked on.

These are just some of the most basic observations that could come to my head in 5 minutes. They are not the sum total of love, or even necessarily my experience of it. These are just some things I think of when I think about love.

I have said “I love you” to 3 people in my life, in a romantic sense. I have meant it every time, although looking back they exist as different types of love. My first “love” was my first girlfriend, we were together for nearly 4 years, engaged way too young (as a way to seem like a legitimate couple) and struggled through long distance for 2 years while at uni. We broke up because I gave up too easily when we had a difficult conversation. I learned a lesson there. Young love is naive, it is different. Foolish. Unending. Strong. But fragile. We had an amazing time together. Something I will always cherish. Memories that will stick with me forever. We have seen each other since we broke up, and it has been fine. We can chat. I’m glad that we can still get on (although we are very far apart so it doesn’t happen bar the odd college reunion). But I will always look back on that relationship fondly.

The second person I said I love you to was more recently. We were together for almost 2 years. We met at during a difficult period in my life, full of turbulence. I was in the midst of an identity crisis (mainly caused by my PhD) and the development of a few mental issues (same cause). She was a comfort. A safety net. Something that I needed at the time. It may sound bad (but hooray for anonymity) but I knew she wasn’t the right person for me. I knew from very early on. She was nice and caring though, she has a big heart. I can’t fault the effort she put in. I appreciate all the support I got from her. I wish I could apologise for how things ended (if I thought it would do her any good). But I did mean it when I said I loved her. I still care about how she gets on now. She may not be the one for me, but we shared a lot of fun times together, oddly ones that I can’t remember so much. I think that may be a hangover from the mental issues. We have seen each other since, it hasn’t been easy, especially afterwards. Clearly there was some resentment there on her end, which is fair. I ended things while I was in Kenya. I had my space and my mind cleared. But I do still feel bad. And I’m sorry.

The third person I said “I love you” to is the most recent, although it has been a while since I said it to them. This is the person who spurred on the start of this blog, the person who I need to recover from. So thank them if you ever get any enjoyment out of these ramblings.

So here is the story. Guess now is the time I’m going to talk about it. Lets call them CF. For anonymity on their end as well.

We met 5 years ago. At a party. Her best friend was dating my best friend. She brought her BF. I’d seen pictures of her before. I thought she was stunning. Just my type. My friends all joked about how perfect she was for me, in terms of what I like physically, but I had never met her. Turns out at that party I didn’t really get to meet her anyway. Her BF drank too much and she looked after him all night. Waste.

They broke up. 4 years later. He was an asshole. When people say ‘oh my ex messed me up” that is normally an exaggeration, being cheated on sucks and may lead to some trust issues, but people can get worse. Sadly he was worse. CF played around for a bit, dated some people casually, had a few near misses. I was in Kenya. My friends joked that she was single and I should go for it. Then we matched on Tinder. I thought it was a joke. One of those “oh your friend is with my friend we sort of know each other” matches, you know that is awkward or just a laugh. But no. She actually wanted to go out. Lucky me. Our first date lasted for 7 hours. We did nothing but walk and talk. We walked about 10-15 miles. Didn’t stop talking, about all the big things, our pasts, our hopes, desires. We had a laugh too, I won’t forget her laugh.

At this point I’d like to say that I’ve never wanted to spend too much time with someone. I get a bit shitty if I spend lots of time with 1 person. That never happened with her.

Our next date was exactly the same. 8 hours. Talking. Walking. Nothing else. We didn’t need anything else. We found each other interesting. There was something there. Some chemistry that was unexpected. I had fancied her for a while, but I didn’t think that we would be on the same level in so many areas.

So far so good right?

We saw a lot of each other in the following few weeks. She went to France, came back, we spent more time together. Until one day we were laying in bed together, and she said she wanted to say something to me, but she didn’t want to scare me off. She said she loved me. I wish I could remember it better. I wish I could hear it again. I wish more than anything that I will get to hear it again. I said it back. I meant all 3 of those words more than I’d said anything ever. Still do.

Two weeks of bliss followed. I’d never been happier. But underneath there were some things happening to both of us, she was terrified by having feelings. I was feeling inadequate and worthless after finally getting such an incredible person and not having a lot to show for my life at the time.

We broke up. She did it over text. It destroyed me. Literally. I cried for weeks.

At the time there were a load of reasons being thrown around about why. I didn’t believe any of them personally. I later found out they were bullshit. I knew I was right. My friends told me to forget her. Focus on myself. I don’t want that. I wanted her. More than anything. How dare you tell me to move on. I struggled. Luckily I went to America, to do something I’ve wanted to do for years, and that gave me a focus.

I came back from the US and it all felt the same. The UK hadn’t changed. And unfortunately my mindset hadn’t from before I left. I slumped again.

Then I started dating someone. Lets called her E. E was great. If I had met her before I met CF, I may have fallen in love with her and all would have been good with the world, sadly that isn’t how it works. I dated E for 3 months, we had a great time, albeit with the struggle of me being not quite as emotionally available as most people. I was still hung up on CF. Then me and E broke up. We broke up just before Xmas. She decided we were too different, and the emotional baggage caused by CF was too much. It wasn’t fair on her. I agreed. And again I am sorry.

Then NYE came into play. I was told that CF would be there, I was told a day before it happened. I had no time to prepare. I heard she was dating someone, so I figured she was happy. She had heard the same of me. We both went to NYE at our friends. Somehow, after NY had passed, we were left outside, we talked, and talked, and talked, just like old times. The chemistry was still there. She decided to stop seeing the guy and we agreed to start dating again. This time way slower. Lets just see what happens, see where it goes, we both agreed.

We went on 1 date. It was lovely. I thought we both agreed to keep expectations low, that meant just spending time together, nothing more, nothing less, just two people enjoying one another’s company, isn’t that what the start of something should be anyway? A few days after our first date we had a long talk. She hadn’t changed. She talked a big game. How she had changed and developed and was open to knowing what she would like. But really in the intervening months she had hopped from encounter to encounter scared of feelings and investing in anyone. Basically only comfortable with fucking people, to temporarily fill “the void” (yeah……that thing). I told her a lot of things that night. Mainly that it isn’t psychologically healthy to walk around not being able to feel things, or the second you do, cutting and running.

I believe she felt something for me. That is why she left. She was scared. It sucks but that is what a lot of people are like nowadays. Everyone is scared of being hurt.

This conversation happened on Thursday (04/01/19) I think. Can’t quite remember. Memory is shot.

I don’t know what else I can say. I miss CF. I miss everything about her. Her smile, her laugh, her smell, running my fingers through her hair, having her head rested on my chest, I miss holding her hand, how right that felt. I know this isn’t at all healthy or useful to me, I’m on the verge of tears again writing all this, but I have to get it out. I haven’t cried since the last time we broke up. I know writing this has brought it all up, and honestly I’m way better about the break up this time than I was the last time. I anticipated it this time. Sudden/surprise loss is always way more difficult to deal with than expected loss.

I guess my experience of love is as follows:

Love is being able to tell someone everything about yourself without fear of judgement. Love is spending 10 hours with someone and having it feel as easy as 10 minutes.              Love is planning to do something ‘proper’ then just enjoying each others company            Love, for me, is my heart wanting to burst out of my chest, as it does every single time I see you, a picture of you, or even hear your name                                                                      Love is acknowledging the differences in yourselves, and how that makes you better        Love is going to bed at 10pm and falling asleep at 6am when the sun rises, because you couldn’t stop talking to each other                                                                                                    Love is taking all the good and the bad of someone, not judging them for it, and moving past it. Everyone has baggage, only you choose to carry it around.                                          Love is allowing all the little things to fade away, nothing really matters, just spend time with someone who makes you feel on top of the world                                                        Love is making every single activity seem incredible, no matter what                                      Love is respecting and loving someone enough to be honest with them, even if it is difficult, even if it kills you, because hearing the truth is more constructive than hearing a lie

That’s what I had. I had that with someone. I don’t know if I will get that with someone else. I don’t think it will be fair to compare anything in the future to my experience with CF. I know that if I ever got close to that experience again it would be a good sign. One I would not ignore from fear of how it ended before.

Me and CF are good. It ended constructively. But I still get the sense we aren’t done. Who knows. I know my heart goes a mile a minute at the thought of her. The future isn’t written. But I do need to move on. It is so hard though.

I hope that CF follows my advice. And you, reader, if any of this situation sounds familiar. Take some time. Have some space. Please be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can handle. Some people have a lot to give. And it is very difficult when what is given is misplaced. It isn’t fair. Not only on me but the other nice people out there who are willing to give themselves over.

 

My latest experience with CF has led me to need to recover more. This entry has let me get some of it out. I will continue to recover.

9378

P.s. for anyone wondering about the title. It is a reference to one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite producers “Nujabes”. A Japanese hip hop producer who wrote a series of songs about being love sick. He died before the 4th (of 6) songs in the series could be released. Songs 4-6 cover the rapper’s (Shing-02) feelings at having lost a close friend and collaborator unexpectedly. These are my rainy day songs. One of many examples of songs that make just that little bit more sense when you have experienced love. I am thankful that my experiences of love have at least given me perspective.

Feelings & The Void

This post is inspired by a short lived reconciliation, that felt shorter than the conversation that ended said reconciliation, with you know who (I know, sometimes we shouldn’t get what we want). The conversation covered many things, but one thing has stuck with me more than anything and I felt like I should get some of it out. This doesn’t only relate to said person, but to a lot of people in my generation (whatever the fuck that is called, sadly it is most likely the millennials), so here I am, explaining why it is ok to have feelings.

The start of this post came from something that SP (significant person, we will use for brevity from now on) said to me, about ‘the void’. What is ‘the void’ I hear you ask? Well it is a big old dark hole within yourself where nothing lives, nothing grows, nothing exists, and seemingly, lots of people walk around with one of these and are completely fine with it……bit like a tumour…..until you know, a tumour becomes painful and has to be dealt with, or it kills you.

The void. The void is something that a lot of younger people acknowledge within themselves as a lack of feeling, or the ability to have feelings, for whatever reason they are personally affected by, be it fear, or mistrust, or fear……mainly fear. Fear of loss. Fear of being messed around again. Fear of misplaced trust. SP said to me that she feels like she can feel something for someone, but when she does she gets scared, so she quits. When she doesn’t feel anything for anyone she has ‘the void’ which is filled with bullshit lattes and instagram posts, and lots of casual sex that only fills ‘the void’ temporarily. We have all done this. Well no maybe not you reader (aren’t you the good one!) but I know that I have, being completely honest. I have had a void. I have filled it, with holidays, with trainers, with casual sex, with drinking. The thing is all these things only fill it for a few days. And the dangers with filling it with casual sex (especially for me anyway) are that it has a knock on effect on my self-esteem and self-worth that I cannot easily recover from. However great sex may feel in general and however nice it may be to be wanted for an evening. The consequences are far worse than the rewards.

Back to the point. The void. Lack of feelings. Filled with superfluous things. Why? Because it is easier to fill the void with meaningless shit than it is to fill it with meaning, be that from job satisfaction, romantic relationships, or strong friendships. It is easier to fill it with social media numbers, those horrible white FILA trainers I see everywhere, and casual encounters that hurt us mentally. None of these things mean anything.

At this point I should clarify. If I even need to. As with all my opinions spouted on the internet. You do you. I’m not telling you how to live. If you want a life of casual encounters and those bloody horrible trainers who am I to tell you otherwise. Back to the point……

Feelings. They are just great. They really are.

I’ve met a lot of people. I’ve met a lot of women (lucky me, I guess). I can count on 1 hand the amount of people I have said that I love, excluding relatives. It isn’t something that comes easily (insert mum joke here), but then nothing worth having is easy. The best things in life are worth fighting for, and I believe having feelings is one of the best things.

Once again, should clarify, I mainly mean romantic feelings towards someone, not just liking your best pal, or loving your mum. I mean seeing something within someone that you want to invest in and just fall down the rabbit hole, fuck what other people think.

One day I will do a separate entry on my experience of love with SP, and a few others, but not today. My point for today is that, to me, there is nothing better than spending the day with someone, leaving them, and having them still occupy your thoughts. You don’t have to be obsessed, we are talking completely healthy thoughts here, but just being excited to see someone again, it makes everything you do between those two points worth it.

It changes the nature of time, it gives meaning to the smallest task, it makes you stronger, happier, changes the meaning of songs on the radio, gives the world a different filter, and then on top of all that, you have one person that you can 100% trust and confide everything in. Someone who will back you to the ends of the earth. That is just incredible.

That’s what I want people to have. Not necessarily from me, but from someone. That is what you get when you open yourself up to feelings. When you ignore the void, don’t shut people down, and try to invest. If things don’t work out you will be hurt, but everything worth having will hurt when it is taken away. If we never wanted to be hurt from losing stuff that mattered we wouldn’t have anything nice.

Feelings will hurt, by fuck me are they worth it. I have tried to fill the void with other things but I have also had feelings in the past, and I know I’d much prefer my future to have feelings in it at some point. It is just a case of meeting someone who puts away the fear.

I hope you can do that. Put away the fear. Really try. Not everyone will hurt you. There are some good people out there who want something real. Something genuine. If you are unsure, then take it slow, use your judgement, don’t go diving into everything with someone. But do try to get involved. It will be the best thing you ever do. I guarantee it. When it works you’ll be on cloud 9. When it fails or you misplace some trust it will feel like a knife twisting in your chest. I also know that side of it.

Has that put me off? No. So if I am still going for it so should you.

That is me done for feelings for tonight. I have had ‘thank u, next’ on repeat for the last 20 minutes. Don’t know what is wrong with me. It is weird how I use one song to get over specific periods. As I said, an ill-fated, short-lived reconciliation with SP has led me to this state (nowhere near as bad as the first time, but still not nice), and also this blog post, so lucky you!

To anyone reading this: I hope you find what you are after. Everyone deserves happiness. We don’t get that from filling the void. We get that from meaningful relationships with other people. Good luck finding yours.

Having feelings is part of my recovery, I am a better person because I can have feelings.

9378

Dating Checklist

Don’t worry the blog isn’t as knobby as the title suggests, I just didn’t want to go too wordy with ‘what to look for in a partner’, that felt a bit much.

Why write this now? Put it in the category of release, or keeping my mind busy. Tomorrow is NYE and quite an important day as I run into someone important (yeah that one). Part of me is just trying to remind myself what I deserve out of someone and stay on track. I don’t know what the rest of me is doing.

So what’s on my dating checklist? Of course yours is going to be different, and if you ever use mine i can’t guarantee that this will work out well for you, but I think I have identified some things that are useful for me when I’m looking at investing in someone (look at me, sounding like Alan Sugar, or one of the dragons).

First of all, being sure of who they are. If someone isn’t sure of who they are then how can they possibly know what they want, including you. I would say that up until the middle of this year I didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted from a person. I do now. I wouldn’t be so brash to definitely say that I know myself 100%, people change – yourself included, but I have a better idea.

Next up, which is part of the 1st point but is something that bugs the crap out of me. That is someone not being certain of their tastes. This includes not defending their taste. If someone cannot defend their taste in music, or say to someone that they frankly don’t GAF about external opinions then how are they going to do that with a person. Don’t get me wrong, external opinions can be valuable when dating someone, you want people in your life to like your new partner, but you have to be headstrong if there are some disagreements or aspects of people’s personalities that don’t blend.

Third up, a sense of worldliness. That’s a bit of a wanky sentence to say experienced. Not wet behind the ears some would say. I think this is another one that has been influenced by my year and how I consider myself more world weary and experienced than this time last year, where I was wrapped up in the ‘cocoon of academia’ as someone once put it to me. So I want a sense of worldliness. A sense that someone has put themselves out of their comfort zone. Done something they have dreamed about. Pushed themselves. This doesn’t have to be travel related, but someone can’t be sheltered essentially.

Next up is a willingness to move on. We all have baggage, thats inevitable at a certain stage of life, eventually that baggage gets relabelled ‘children’ (really awkward at customs to declare…. sorry poor joke), and then you have to deal with it if the person is right. But before a certain age, we just have emotional baggage, and that isn’t any easier to deal with, in some cases it is way harder, you can’t ground emotional baggage, or leave it somewhere. That is why it is important that someone shows a willingness to move on. Despite the challenges of holding onto emotional baggage, the mindset, occasional down days, etc. etc. you need to be at least open to moving on with someone else. This is something I have struggled through and tried my best at, but I have also seen how difficult it is for someone to deal with on the other end, as someone who has baggage.

Fifth up on the ‘checklist’ (for a lack of a better, and shorter phrase) is learning lessons. If you have someone who keeps repeating the same mistakes I think that is a bad sign. Especially in a relationship. Someone (who the fuck knows) said that a mistake isn’t a mistake if you learned from it (I apologise to whoever said that, wise as you are!) and I think that shows a real intelligence in a person to be adaptable. I remember many lessons from previous relationships and encounters and I have (almost never) made them again (obviously some lessons take longer to sink in than others). What is important is that you (or anyone) identifies patterns in behaviour, and pitfalls, and adjusts accordingly.

Those are just a few things that I am keeping an eye out for in any potential partner from now on. For the sake of balance I will also give you a little rundown of what I don’t care about but that people place some importance on.

What isn’t on the checklist.

Similar interests/hobbies: It just isn’t important. Obviously don’t be with someone who is into mountaineering if you can’t even get up a flight of stairs. But beyond that, if one of you likes spicy food and horrors, and the other likes Italian food and cartoons, so what? That gives you both a chance to grow and add to your tastes, it is more about being open. Even if they were into mountaineering and you weren’t, maybe they can do that with other people, with friends or a club, you don’t have to do everything together.

Similar attitudes: So this is a little different. Maybe you end up with someone who is a satanist, or a vegetarian, or a flat-earther. Just be respectful (maybe not the first and last examples…). But once again it gives you a chance to learn and expand your knowledge. You don’t have to agree on everything. But be respectful when you are disagreeing. As a godless, meat-eating heathen myself I have met a lot of people with different views but they haven’t been an issue. Set your own boundaries there though. If you know you want kids for example and that’s never on the cards with them then that isn’t a good sign.

Little things: Are they really messy? are they a bad driver? do they smoke? These things are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Slightly different if you are dating the human-embodiment of a hurricane of course, but I’m sure we can all put up with some little things, and maybe even learn to love them. These seem to be the things you miss when they aren’t around anymore.

When I started writing this I had more for this section but they have escaped me. I will be sure to update this post if they come back though. I have been quite distracted while writing this, and not in a fun way!

Feel free to let me know what you look for/don’t in partners, I would be interested to see what makes your checklist (all 2 of you reading har har har….).

What with the build up to tomorrow I have a lot more on my mind, so expect more posts. Or maybe some sort of year in review. It has been a hell of a year for all the ups and downs. Might be worth recapping for some perspective. We will see how tomorrow goes.

This post has kept me busy. Being busy is part of my recovery.

9378

Also I apologise about the length of this post, I just ran with this topic!

Merry Christmas!!

So it’s Christmas day and here I am blogging. Not feeling at all Christmasy. I think I figured out why.

Despite getting what I wanted this year (yes Fallout 76 power armour, no I don’t need opinions thanks….) and all the star wars on blu rays (5 years of asking has paid off), I’m not swept up in the joy of the day, or of caring that much about my gifts. Don’t get me wrong it’s lovely to see other people open gifts you have gotten them, and it’s still great to see my two siblings excited about all their stuff but for me it was kinda meh.

My reasoning behind my lack of festive cheer comes from my change in direction this year. I have spent the last 3 months of the year knowing which direction I would like my life to head in and wanting to get a job where I make a difference and contribute towards something greater than myself, and yet here we have a holiday that is quite self-centred (unless you are a generous gifter). Presents are all about yourself, what you want, what you already have, etc etc. I think I’m less festive because similarly to my job I want to give something back this year. I don’t want Christmas to be about me. I want it to be about people who don’t have very much.

These could be shallow words, they could mean nothing to you. But I know myself. Better than I have done. I am going to try and make a difference (however small) to someone less fortunate than myself every day between now and new years. I know it won’t last forever, but I hope that it will make a difficult period a little easier on some of the less fortunate out there. I’m back at work tomorrow and I know I will have to walk past at least 5 people sleeping on the streets to get there, so that’s a start.

The odd thing is I am still incredibly materialistic, and I have no problem with that. If i had received any of the gifts from today at any other point in the year I would have been made up and not felt bad or needed to do anything, but its Christmas, and it’s probably the one time of the year you can hold back on being a greedy asshole.

I know this is just me. I know there are a lot of people out there who do amazing things each year for those in need. And one day I will join them. I guess if you are reading this (if anyone does), same with my other entries I wouldn’t ever tell you what to do, just to think a little differently. Do you really need that new playstation, or the couple of extra pints down the pub boxing day. What happens if you buy someone a coffee or give them a coat that you hardly wear (because you got a nice new one for Christmas). I bet you would feel a little better about yourself if you tried it. No matter how small.

Maybe that’s all it is. I need to feel good about myself. Is that selfish? Maybe. All I know is it is better to help someone out to feel better about myself than to try and cover it up with my 35th pair of trainers, or another massive lego set.

 

There you go! Just a short one for the holidays. I hope, whoever is reading this, you have a wonderful Christmas (or general holiday).

9378

Tinder

Hello there!

I’m not acknowledging the gaps between posts now because its par for the course, so I will just say welcome back (and welcome back me……to blogging?? I suppose?).

Anyway, another significant (albeit way smaller) life event to talk about today. This life event is the deletion of Tinder from my phone, and also the acknowledgement that Tinder is bad for me, sort of, at least it has become bad.

See the thing I love about this blog is the anonymity, as in none of my readers know who I am, I haven’t told anyone who I personally know about this blog (with 1 exception but I think that is fine) and so I can say what I want, well, within reason. Not that you will get any shocking revelations out of me, but it is nice to have a ‘scratch pad’ that I can post online.

So Tinder. I deleted it from my phone tonight. Why? Because I realised it serves a similar but slightly more insidious purpose to social media. And if you need my opinions on that please see my previous posts. The last few days have not been strong for me, and this mental blip has resulted in some ‘unhealthy internet behaviour’ (made up term for cyber stalking…..). However, with less information to go on due to a lack of posting I have turned to Tinder to discern what the situation is with the involved person (same one as all the other blogs, still more on her later, maybe….). Thing is, she is gone! Off Tinder. Fuck. Now there are a few different interpretations to this event; 1. She found someone, like a kick in the balls, 2. She got sick of Tinder, don’t we all, and needs a break, 3. She is too busy to be dating anyone, acknowledges that, and would rather just have a FWB situation with someone she knows, possible given previous history and her lifestyle. Only option 2 there isn’t really like a kick in the balls, options 1 & 3 are shitty. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what her reasoning for coming off it is. The problem here is the use of Tinder to ascertain information about her, that’s what is damaging here. As soon as I realised that, I had to get rid of it, at least for a little while.

That was way more exposition than I was expecting then, sorry! Look at me treating this like a diary. So deleted Tinder. Done. Why? Stalking. Done. But lets ask ourselves the same questions that I asked about social media. What do I get from it? What does it do for me? And perhaps most importantly what am I looking at? Once I asked these questions of Tinder I realised that in reality I don’t get a lot from Tinder. I have met some amazing people on there for sure, and had some great experiences. But at the moment I have met someone who is great and fun and I want to spend time with them, so I don’t need another one on the go.

As for what it does for me? It gives the illusion of choice, and the endless possibility of choice, when I don’t really want it. A book I have mentioned here before (about not giving a F***) described the anxiety in getting in a relationship as committing to one thing ruling out every other possible option (in terms of dating/sleeping with someone). I think a lot of people feel that, but truthfully, I have always enjoyed sleeping with 1 person at a time, and being involved with 1 person at a time, subject to them being the right person.

The final question. What am I looking at? Well I am looking at the same bollocks I was looking at on social media. I am looking at hundreds of beautiful people doing interesting things in exotic locations. I know that they aren’t in those locations any more because obviously they have to be in my search vicinity, but it is still a form of social comparison, just a slightly sexually/dating charged one. Not only that, for every match you get, you also get a ‘micro-rejection’ (I have just coined that term, you see it anywhere else you tell me), which I am defining as an implicit rejection. Essentially saying that every person you say yes to who you don’t match with at some point has said no to you, so you have been rejected. This is frustrating because I have tried very hard to increase my Tinder standards. My bio is comprehensive about what I am looking for (perhaps a little too comprehensive), I have plenty of pictures, I say that I want to find someone to invest my time in and not just fuck around and most importantly I have only swiped right (yes) on people who interest me or who I am attracted to. In the past I have just swiped right on everyone, and then judged interest that way but this new way has lead to meeting more interesting people and having more successful interactions, just not as many matches (although still a damn lot if I do say so myself). So what am I looking at? I am looking at a bunch of seemingly ‘interesting’ and ‘attractive’ (so far as the latest snapchat filter will go) people doing cool things, with maybe a 3/10 chance that they will match with me and I just don’t need to see that. I have one person. We aren’t ‘official’ or ‘together’ at the moment because I am not ready but we spend time together and I enjoy her company, and that’s enough.

What was the point of this blog? Oh right why have I come off Tinder. Stalking. Yes.

You may think, reader, that this is an overreaction. You may think that I am a sad person with nothing better to do. And you may be right. You may think….. ‘what the f*** has happened to this person for them to blog about all this rubbish’. Well. I will blog about that, one day, but I’m just not ready yet. It isn’t even that bad, don’t believe the hype. I just found love, and then had it taken away from me (not even in a tragic death kinda way either before you go thinking that). It sucks, but it has lead me to this point of introspection where I need to document stuff that I do and blog about my feelings. And also delete Tinder. Because without Tinder I have one less communication channel between them and me.

I have deleted Tinder as part of my recovery. I will be better off without it (for now).

9378

Side note:

Not entirely related to this blog but still on the topic of Tinder. I think a lot of people are aware of their own situation on dating apps and the need for a ‘break’ from them. It is healthy. Don’t run yourself into the ground trawling through them all looking for someone. The more pressure you put on this sort of thing the more likely you are to make a mistake. So get off dating apps for a while. Go meet people out in the street. Look up from your phone. Wouldn’t it be nice if the next person you introduce to your friends or your parents you could say that you met them at a coffee shop, or Waterstones, or on the bus. I know it is farfetched but you never know who you might meet and who is out there, but not necessarily on dating apps. Either way, good luck playing, after all dating is just one big game.

9378 . 2